Calling All RAD parents!!!!

The Sweeney Seven has become the The Sweeney Six since baby Trinity went back to her birthfather on Halloween. I, of course, don't want to change the title because I know that we will be seven again. My son won a goldfish at his fall festival, I considered counting it as the seventh member, but the fish died on Nov. 1. So much for that idea!

I am asking for advice on this post from friends and strangers in cyberspace that know what I'm talking about when I say RAD parents or refer to a child as a radish. Of course supportive comments from others are always welcome, but if you don't know about RAD, then you don't know that these kids are different than other kids.

Today is the sixth birthday of our first foster child. We had her in our home for 15 months and then she was reunited with her birthmom a few weeks before her 4th birthday. She spent the better part of the last two years living on the streets and perfecting her street smart, manipulative skills. She was placed back in foster care early this summer following her mother's shoplifting arrest at Kroger. One of the hardest emotions I've ever felt was the saddness of not being able to bring my little girl (I do consider her my little girl) back into our home. She is older than Landon by a few months making her the role-model. Some role-model (RAD and Bipolar!). Our brains overruled our hearts this time. She would not be a good mix with a five, three, not quite 2, 6 month old (Trinity), and a 3 week old! It hurt because she told her psychiatrist that she didn't care if mommy went to jail because she was going to live with the Sweeney's. It hurt because I know how much progress we made, and how much progress was undone in those two years. It hurt because I LOVE this little girl. She is in her second foster home from this removal. We got an e-mail earlier this week and phone call today telling us that her "goal" has been changed to adoption. I celebrate this because she needs permanency. OK, so here it comes:

Her birthmom has stated that she would sign over rights with no fight if she came back to our home. She also stated that she wishes she would have let her stay with us in the first place. This is the statement that makes me so mad!!!! If she wasn't reunited, then she WOULD still be with us and she would have been adopted already. NO QUESTION. I also get mad because that statement almost sounds manipulative towards us, as if she is trying to guilt us in to this. I am mad because an additional two years of who-knows-what kind of trauma has been placed on this little girl AND I wasn't able to protect her. I am mad because my brain (and hubby's brain) keeps telling me that there is no way. That it is not fair to my other babies. We are only days away from getting our "official" RAD dx on Annie. Can we handle 2 Radishes? I am MAD because we haven't seen her in two years so how can we make a decision like this. I am MAD because I feel like doing "respite" for a couple of week-ends would give her false hope. I am MAD!

So what do I do? Pray, of course. Call my husband. Pray some more. Then I start reading blogs from Raddish families. They are so inspiring. It is great to know that there are families out there that know what it can be like. Raddish mom's, how do you make the choice?